Somewhere along the way, I stopped living in my heart and moved to my head. I felt too vulnerable, sensitive and exposed in my heart. My head became this comfortable and familiar retreat. Kind of like my own personal in-house suite.
Kick back, relax, with lots to entertain myself with. Thinking, figuring, analysing, solving, deducing. Lots of mental activity that seemed easier to me than the messy stuff of feeling and fully experiencing everything.
"Everything" is the qualifier. There are definitely experiences and feelings that I choose willingly and that I have a preference for. There are others that I resist and want nothing to do with.
Recently, I identified consistency as a quality that I wanted in my life. To consistently be present for myself and for another, no matter what. The thing that seemed to get in the way, was the feeling that it was too much effort.
It is nothing for me to feel appreciation when everything is going the way I like. It is another thing for me to maintain that flow when things feel threatening.
You hurt me. You're not behaving the way I want. I don't like this. I don't want that. I don't want anything to do with you, because … Fill in the blanks. Recently, I discovered that by disconnecting from my heart and living in my head, I was not connecting with myself.
I had gotten so used to retreating to my mental living room, that I really missed that there was a chasm between my head and my heart. Felt a little like an I don't know abyss.
What would it really feel like to live in my heart, every day? For this moment in time, to be willing and open? To choose to be happy to be me? Everyday. Every moment. Wow.
I began to have a sense of the wonder and awe of that. Today, I feel like I have moved closer and am willing to embrace this into my life.
I live comfortably in my heart.
I woke up with this new belief that I want to experience in my life.
I live in my heart.
I feel the possibilities for myself and for others. The ease of connection. No sense of struggle. No sense of my appreciation going in and out due to internal or external forces. A stable sense of I, to be present for myself and others no matter what.
Yesterday, I had the distinct impression, that for most of my life, I have been happy to be with others, in the circle of life. Enjoying the warmth of friendship. Being a part of things. Other times, having a definite preference to be alone, to be on the edge of the circle as an interested spectator. Until now, that has been the preferred mode of viewing and experiencing. A little to the side, coming in and out of the circle as I choose. Definitely only if the conditions are favourable.
Today feels like a good day to play. To deliberately try on something new. To dip my toes into the water and swish them back and forth. To feel the pleasurable sensation of immersing myself in the stream and getting wet. Fully.
Today, I crossed the I don't know abyss with a clear intention to live in my heart. To give myself back to my Self.
I live in my heart.
I feel me. I feel you. The willingness, the awareness to stretch.
I am here now with you.
I live in my heart … with you.